Oh, I don’t know.

How about HALF of the four dozen home-made yeast rolls I made this evening for Christmas lunch at my mom’s tomorrow, and had cooling on the counter?   So can you guess what I’ll be baking tomorrow morning, after our gift-opening frenzy?  Or maybe I should just take a loaf of Wonder bread for Christmas lunch … that’s really special.

I know two dogs who are getting coal in their damn stockings tonight.

This week:

It’s good to know she’ll have strong bones and healthy, flossed teeth, if nothing else.

On her good points, she scarfed down an entire piece of Oreo Cookie Ice Cream dessert tonight, when I dropped my plate and spilled the entire thing on the carpet.  Licked it clean. 

Luckily, we had already made arrangements to have the carpets cleaned this Wednesday, because this house?  Smells like D.O.G.

Please note what is chewed almost beyond recognition: A Bible storybook.

Please note what is lying next to the book, UN-chewed: a bright orange, good-smelling (to a dog) good-tasting (to a dog) good textured (so the tag claimed) fairly expensive Chew Bone.

(NOT as expensive as that set of storybooks, but that’s another story for another day, let’s just say I don’t know if it’s more shameful for me to confess to owning an “As Seen On TV” Magic Bullet, or admitting we bought these books from a door-to-door traveling salesman.)

Please note, in our defense, that the Bible storybook was placed properly on the bookshelf, and the dog dragged it out either with his teeth, or his little paws, and commenced to destroying all the stories for the little children who believe in the baby Jesus.

I will need a moment of silence now, to pray for my dog’s eternal soul.

(in other words, “What Would Barley Chew?”, a continuing series involving our dogs, Barley and Brew, and the innumerous household items they ravage during their time here.)

I don’t think it requires any great stretch of the imagination to guess exactly what I thought this was on my bedroom floor when I rounded the corner.

I also don’t think it requires any great stretch of the imagination to guess exactly what words came out of my mouth upon seeing this, the bewilderment about what on God’s green earth they had possibly eaten to make them this ill, and envisioning the clean-up that would be required.

Never in the history of the world has a pet owner been so happy as to discover it was only a nerf football.

Evidence for the week of May 4th:

Scrubber brush for outdoor grill. I can only assume there were some meat drippings or fat particles or *something* on this brush because why else would one of them ingest four inches of wood? I seriously doubt dogs care that much about their fiber intake.

Noteworthy because: The brush was safely placed on top of grill, out of reach. How they got it? Who knows.

American Express card. Duly noted that this is a promotional American Express card, delivered in the junk mail. Not sure if the dogs are trying to make a statement about my spending habits, or just liked it because it was shiny.

Noteworthy because: I open all the mail, and don’t recall ever seeing this arrive. Beginning to suspect dogs are going outside, opening mailbox with their little paws, and taking items for themselves.

Various pens and pencils located God only knows around the house. Pens and pencils left ANYWHERE in the house are automatically fair game. Primary culprit: Barley. I can only assume she is stealing pens in an attempt to write her own ransom note, hoping to find a new family, preferably one that can afford a *real* American Express card.

Noteworthy because: Despite losing at least a dozen writing instruments, the human people in this house are still surprised every time it happens.

Shoe. Again. This is like, the fifth pair. Yet do my children think it might be wise to actually put their shoes AWAY when they take them off their feet? No, they do not. So prepare to see lots more shoe photos in future editions of “WWBC?” And prepare also to see the Escoe kids going around town barefoot because if they can’t be bothered to put their shoes away at night, then I can’t be bothered to buy more.

Noteworthy because: it’s not noteworthy at all. They’re shoes. They smell like leather and feet — of course dogs love them.

Scarf. A gift to Brayden, and the one chewed item she is most annoyed about. Especially considering it was hanging from a hook in her locker, exactly where it should be, and apparently the dogs grabbed hold and dragged it out before chewing a hole in it.

Noteworthy because: It’s such a fluffy, poofy scarf that I suspect she can still wear it and the hole won’t even be noticeable. Also noteworthy because if these dogs are smart enough to grab a scarf, hanging from a hook, then they’re smart enough to grab a dishtowel hanging from the refrigerator door, and bring me a Diet Dr. Pepper, right? Let the training begin!

Water jug. First, we took a plastic bowl outside to fill with drinking water for them, and they dragged it out into the yard and chewed it up (photo unavailable). So we bought a stainless steel water bowl, which they also dragged into the yard and dumped out all the water. Worried that they would go the entire day without water if that behavior continued, I bought this one-gallon water jug that you fill, and place upside down in its own bowl, and the water-pressure keeps the bowl full. Or some other scientific-y explanation like that. I filled it, placed it outside, and when I returned half an hour later, this is what I found.

Noteworthy because: I paid $15.99 for this water jug and bowl. They tore it up in less than half an hour. According to my calculations, that provided entertainment to our dogs at the impressive rate of $32.00 per hour, or $768.00 per day. I think next time I’ll just by another nyla-bone for ten bucks and be done with it.

And thus ends this week’s edition of “WWBC?” Tune in next time to see what other various and sundry household items the dogs have claimed for themselves and chewed into pieces …. we can only hope they chew up the vet bill from the exploratory surgery I have no doubt is in their future.